Staying Grounded When It Feels Impossible
The Empathic Leadership Toolkit Skill 3: Bouncing back to balance
Something was said about me in a meeting that wasn’t true. “That’s a lie” was pounding in my head.
I felt the blow before I understood anything— that sharp, physical sensation like a knife stabbing my chest. And then the heat rising.
The person twisting things was, in theory, on the same team as me, working toward the same purpose. And yet what was happening felt like deliberate manipulation, a reframing of events that positioned me against the room, and them alongside it.
Before I had made any conscious decision at all as to what to do next, words came out of my mouth that I had not chosen, and would not have chosen had I been given even a few seconds more.
I went into defence. Which of course only made this person attack harder.
The dozens of people —who knew me and trusted me up until that point— felt like pure strangers with their accusing looks and disbelief. It was one of those moments that feel surreal, that make you want to pinch your arm to see whether you are dreaming or it is actually happening!
No, this was no dream. This person actually was in full attack mode, overstepping any line to do with respect, integrity or dignity. I was in utter shock.
And it all happened so quickly. I wonder if something like this has happened to you or you have seen it happen to someone near you?
I wish I could tell you I handled it well.
But I did not. I defended, I froze. I countered. I smirked in desperation trying to hold on to any semblance of hope that people would actually see through the fog. But no one came to the rescue, no one seemed to see what was happening.
I had spent years studying and working on myself, and was already teaching Nonviolent Communication. In fact, it was the very reason I held the leadership position I did in this organisation.
But in that moment, none of it was available to me. What was available was pure reactivity —fast, certain, and driven entirely by the fact that my nervous system had registered threat and responded accordingly, well before my thinking brain had a chance to weigh in or make a conscious response.
In retrospect this instance was a blessing, and it sent me on a beautiful journey of self-discovery and equipping myself with the understanding of how humans work under pressure and waht we can do to not just avert these really confusing, intense situations, but to be able to handle them effectively and with power.
I spent years studying the neuroscience of Nervous System regulation and it is now at the backbone of all my work. I can tell you that when a similarly stressful situation presented itself years later, the outcome and how I navigated it were drastically different.
The neurobiology of why we lose ourselves
You have probably heard of the amygdala. There are two of them, small almond-shaped structures at the base of the brain, and their job is to constantly scan for threat. The amygdala is sensitive to faces, tone of voice, changes in movement, smells, and anything that signals potential danger.
Keep in mind that for humans, things like exclusion or betrayal are considered threats to survival, and it is wired into brain architecture for us to detect them quickly.
The physiological responses the amygdala triggers are fast, and largely unconscious. You notice something in your body after the stress response has been launched, when hormones are rushign through your body already, all happening well before your conscious awareness catches up.
Like the knife on the chest moment. It feels instantaneous. But it is not, the amygdala has made an assessment already, just below your awareness.
What’s interesting and what we’d do well to keep in mind is that when the amygdala has a push-pull relationship with key areas in prefrontal cortex (PFC)— the frontal, more recently evolved part of the brain responsible for everything we associate with higher thinking and self-control. Essentially, when amygdala fires, it decreases activity in PFC, and lowers its functions.
So, the brain functions you need for excellent leadership are compromised when your brain has detected a potential threat. Things like flexible thinking, creative problem-solving, empathy, self-control, the ability to direct your attention, to reflect, to choose your response rather than simply produce one. This is the neurological reality that leaders would do well to become acquainted with, both for themselves and for their teams.
When there is threat detected or interpreted, that person is in a neurological state that precludes them from thinking clearly, openly, flexibly, or controlling themselves and what they say as well as they normally can.
And here is novel finding unknown to most people, and the key insight for leaders (Arsnten, 2012):
The prefrontal cortex is, out of all the regions in the brain, the one most sensitive to even mild stress. So, not just crisis, or extreme situations — even somebody’s look, or a change in tone can be perceived as a threat and impair higher thinking and self-control (executive functions). Amygdala fired and assessed threat… and the nervous system quickly responds.
Even the particular way someone frames something in a room full of people can spin people if it feels threatening to them. Perhaps this is why most people avoid conflict.
So, people (or you) are not overreacting! Humans have a sensitive amygdala which is doing what it was designed to do: scan and protect us.
What this means that in any difficult conversation —any moment where something matters, where relationship is at stake, where you feel even slightly unseen or misrepresented— the very capacities you most need go offline.
You are not weak when this happens. No, nothing is “wrong with you.” You are not poorly trained or lacking in awareness. You are human, and this is how humans are built.
The question is not whether this happens. It happens to all of us, without exception. The question is whether you can learn to catch it earlier, and what to do when you can’t. How do you regain balance?
Build your root system
Think of a tree in a storm.
A tree with shallow roots looks perfectly stable in ordinary conditions; it is only when the wind really picks up that you see how little is holding it. It bends sharply, loses branches, sometimes comes down entirely. Most trees have root system extending far wider than their canopy, which enables them to bend in storms, sometimes dramatically— without breaking.
The roots hold, and the deeper and broader they are, the more the tree can withstand without losing itself, without being swept from its own centre. That’s what I’d like us all to be able to do. Bend in the outer winds, but not break.
Have the resilience to come back to our original shape without being damanged (the definition of resilience!).
Regulation is our root system. It is not the absence of being moved. It is the capacity to be moved strongly, legitimately, fully in proportion to what is actually happening, and still not be swept away from who you are and how you want to lead.
A regulated leader is not one who doesn’t feel the knife. (Indeed, you must be thinking some people don’t seem to feel, and to be disconnected!). A regulated, effective leader is one who feels things, but is able to stay present with what is happening, and to choose what comes next.
I know this is possible, because I lived both versions of it. Years apart, in situations that were remarkably similar, I responded in ways that were entirely different. And the difference was not intelligence, or preparation, or even intention.
It was that I had practiced and extended and strengthened my root system.
And I have seen countless leaders be able to do the same.
If this work resonates and you want to build these skills in a small, supported cohort, have a look at The Empathic Leader course, starting May 22nd.
What follows is for paid subscribers": what both versions looked like, and the practices that made the difference.
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